OCD is shit. Yet it is not taken seriously as a mental health condition, even by me. I want to share my story to help raise awareness of what OCD can be like.
I was diagnosed with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) 10 years ago. For those of you who don’t know, OCD isn’t needing things tidy and organised (trust me, my room is a pit!). It is living with a torturer in your head but, because the orders and critique seem to comes from within you, you believe the abuse you recieve.
I think I’ve always had undiagnosed OCD . I struggled as a child with obsessive guilt over the smallest things, but my childhood was pretty chaotic, so I assumed everyone worried like I did. When I was a teenager, OCD was so loud I could barely cope. It would constantly tell me I was a bad person, hated, dirty, ill, a slut, selfish, ungrateful, that something horrible was about to happen or I was putting myself or others in danger. It would always mean I had embarassing or distressing thoughts pop into my head, which it would then make me feel guilty for.
The actions OCD demanded I did follwing these thoughts were embarrassing and exhausting. I will mention just a few- I washed my hands til they bled and I had to wear gloves to hide the redness. I would unplug all electricals around the house, wear very baggy clothes (so as not to appear ‘slutty’), and constantly sneak around to hide my compulsions from others. If compulsions couldn’t satisfy OCD, OCD would make me constantly repeat over and over in my head the thing I’d done ‘wrong’ as penance. When I got better at dealing with OCD, it would scan through my day to try and find new things I had done ‘wrong’. It was relentless.
Everything was a struggle, things that were meant to be fun were just terrifying, I had so much less time to relax, do my schoolwork or sleep because of the compulsions. I was detached from socialising because I was constantly recieveing intrusive thoughts from OCD that would take all my attention. I don’t know how I got through school.
I was very lucky and recieved therapy and things have improved greatly. I am able to use skills I learnt (see my other posts) to help fight OCD, but I think until recently I’d assumed OCD would dissapear one day. I thought if I worked hard enough it would go away. As a result I get frustrated at myself if my OCD flares up, and never cut myself slack when I am struggling.
I have realised this is not the case. I have a very serious mental health condition which I will always have to fight. However, what I can control is how much I appreciate my own successes (when I ignore my OCD) and how much slack I cut myself when I am struggling.
So I hope this serves as a reminder to myself and others with experiences with OCD, be your own cheerleader and cut yourself slack!
Remember that:
- Just because something is easy for others it doesn’t diminish our accomplishments in fighting OCD!
- If our OCD means we struggle with something that others find easy, that is OK! We have to fight so much harder
- You are not perfect, and that makes you human
- You are amazing for fighting OCD each day!
RJA xoxo
PS this is a video that in part inspired this blog: Check it out! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-lYzR-ZP54
Brain Storm 